MR...
u're over...

i love my lovesS! lots!

Huggs!

Goodbye baby... i love u n0 more...

我们的爱...
过了就不再回来...

will change my template soon...

another post on defamation for people hu dun read up stuffs...
haiz...
sad for u...
but u are not worth my pity...

In the eyes of law,

DEFAMATION is the communication of a statement that makes a false claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may give an INDIVIDUAL, business, product, group, government or nation a negative image.

Most jurisdictions allow legal actions, civil and/or criminal, to deter various kinds of defamation and retaliate against groundless criticism.

go on and say wat u like...
i'm not closing my blog because of u...
and dun forget noob shyt...
your IP add can get u into deep shyt...

An IP address is the Internet Protocol (IP) address given to every computer connected to the Internet. An IP address is needed to send information, much like a street address or P.O. box is needed to receive regular mail.

TRACING AN IP ADDRESS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD, AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE TO TRACK DOWN A SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL, YOU CAN GET ENOUGH INFORMATION TO TAKE ACTION AND FILE A COMPLAINT.

and thanks for reminding me... it's been a long time since i blogged here...


look at who u are messing with before u do anything...

hi all... i'm real sorry for not blogging here anymore...
i will come back here once in awhile to blog...
i've been blogging in another blog lately but only few knows about my new blog...

if u wanna noe my new blog address, do approach me...
but please... do not link the add to ur blog...
coz i dun wan someone to know my blog...

loves all who cares...
and thank you for standing by me all the while...

God Bless All... Amen!
till i update again...

u broke ur promise in coming back...
u broke the last promise...
dun blame me for whatever's gonna happen...

my blog is not for u anymore...
now i noe why my counter is jumping real fast...
coz she's reading...
it's not for her to read...

u just hurt me all over again...
when i thought everything was making a u turn round...
but u brought back my pain...
brought back my misery...
just within a second...
just by typing that few words...

i will not touch a single cent of urs...
even the 300 u gave me for the bike...
coz using that money seriously hurts...
using that money really brings me more pain...

no point asking me to take care...
coz these 45 more days...
it will hurt even more...
and i'll start my drinking habit again...
just to drown everything...
and it will start tonite...
even if it takes landing me in hospital again...
i dun care...

i will change my blog...
to a address that u will never noe...
just like u hiding ur phone number from me...
i'm hiding my unhappiness from u...
all my smiles are lies!
i'll never be a happy girl anymore!

u never knew how much i planned for the genting trip...
australia's not snowing at this time of the year...
so i thought we could go to genting instead...
to visit snow world...
but u had to ruin my hopes...
ruin my dreams...
ruin everything i'm praying for...

maybe slitting my wrist...
taking excessive pills...
and drinking alcohol like a alcoholic
will be a better way to run away from u...

remember how much pain u brought to me...
coz this is the last post u see this pain u brought written here...

going to joey's place for mahjong, drinks and poker later...
will i be able to come back in a piece?
i dunno...
huilin picking me later...

i love u.
but u dunno..

dear santa...

i'm sorry for troubling u this late at night... but this is seriously urgent and important to me... do u still rmb the 3 wishes i have for christmas? can i change them? i wun be greedy... i just only wanna change one... one will be enuff... please...

i noe getting a bike is easy and rather cheap... i dunno if u will take that i'm greedy or something else... but i just wanna tell u that i wanna change the bike to a trip to genting with gong... i've planned so hard for the whole day... praying for him to tell me that he will go with me...

having a bike for myself means nothing... coz even if i get the bike... he's not around with me... but if using the same amt of money to go on a holiday... and spent this lil time with him... would actually mean more to me than that bike... i dun ask for more... but for u to grant this 3 wishes...

i know that these few days... things hadn't been going rite for him in his house... and i know that it's hard on him... but santa... i wan to make him happy... i wan to bring him out to make him happy... and enjoy and see him smile from his heart all over again... santa... u know better den i tt the happiest thing in my life is to be with him and see him smile...

God made me a sentimental and faithful child... he made me in a way that i will only love one guy... with that... he put billy into my life... making me fall in love with him... making me love him... and love him for life... but why did he have to torture me by taking him away? when God purposely made him for me? santa... God stays near u rite...? can u ask him for me?

and please santa... i really wan my wishes...
the trip...
the yanyans...
and the only love of my life back...

your sweet child,
Jasmine...

it's 9.40pm... and gong is still not online...
he doesn't know...
he doesn't know i'm crying real badly...
he doesn't know i miss him badly...
he doesn't know how pain it is to see the bank acct...

gong gong...
wo zhen de hen tong ku...
u seem so near... yet u are so far away...
i dun wanna blog unhappy tings...
but i have no one to turn to when i'm unhappy... when i cry...
all these are really making me go crazy...

no matter how much i laugh, i smile...
everything are forced out...
just to hide my unhappiness from everyone...
coz u are the only one hu can give me happiness...
but u aren't here...

this wait seems forever...
and time really passes so slowly when i'm alone...
when u're not around...
i dunno how long can i take it anymore...
but it will not be long...
i'm breaking down...

i love u.

i prayed and prayed... but u're still not around...

this is my freaking first time blogging at work man... coz i'm like freaking bored after doing fermentation and analysis for first lady...

anyway... i feel so scared now that i dunno how to btell gong i wanna go holiday with him... like to genting... i've aldy found out the prices for grassland coaches... and even the room and stuffs... but i dunno how to bring it out to him now... call me a coward or whatever... but i mean... i fear being rejected by him again... gong... go genting with me please... on the 28th to 30th of november please... really please... i wanna go there and play the theme parks with u...

haiz... i feel so useless... not being able to bring these words out of my mouth to him... i really wished i can... but like what i've said... all the while... fear is building up inside of me... and it's gonna explode soon... i fear u not loving me... i fear u rejecting me... i fear u running away from me... i fear u leaving me once again...

going home soon... and it's raining outside...
just called grandma to ask her help me get mum to come fetch me...
and she kup my fone... neh neh...

i love u.

God Bless All... Amen!

"我只想做你的公主
拥有那平凡的幸福
华丽的珍珠不如眼底的专注
对我深深呵护
我想我是你的公主
终结这多年的追逐
当你抱着我
地球也暂停脚步
我霎那间清楚你是我的幸福"


gong.... i really like u to be so unhappy and stress over matters... i really wanna share the load that u are carrying with u... but i dunno how to... i dunno how to make u happy... and i really dunno how to cheer u up... to release the stress u have... all i remember is i can let u bite me... even if the scar u leave on my hand will never go away and will always stay there... i'm willing as long as u feel better after biting...

i cnt wait for u to come home... i cnt wait for december to come... coz that's gonna determine wat will happen in february... i believe in u... i believe in wat u say... december... december really take very long to come... it's like 47 days more to go... and imagine i'm counting down these days silently for once... just like i say... my favorite number seriously is zero... coz i really want u to be back rite now... and mean NOW...

even if u tell me that it's not now... coz u have stuff to deal with... but do u rmb telling me tt u wanted to make it 26th dec but u push forward the dates by 3 weeks and u wanted to bring me to australia? just take this 47 days only... or even lesser... i'll be happier if it's lesser... but please... dun take more... please... everything tt i wanted in my life... i have to wait... and wait real long... i waited to meet u in my life for 14 years... and u finally appear... i cnt wait anymore... i'm sorry... i'm not stressing u... but like i say... all i wan is u to love me all over again and for us to start afresh...

jia xi on leave today... and i was rather busy... came into lab like 8.30 in the morning and started doing jia xi's stuff... den did 12 fermentation samples on 3 MRS plates, 3 PCA+C plates and 3 EB petrifilms... anyway! i wasn't the one hu used the wrong plates! it's FIRST LADY lay out and label de! all i did was to weigh the stuffs and innoculate... lol... so yea... cooked 3 batches of sauce today... and all fail... cook until so freaking tired... still got more to come... i seriously dun like to cook... dun understand why the previous student like it so much... oh... and coz jia xi not ard today... so i wanna avoid seeing 8 hrs of FIRST LADY... so had to cook cook cook... lol... and jia xi be back tmr! thank god man! but still have to cook tmr... sian la!!!!!

i wan u to love me like u just knew me...
like u just fallen in love with me...
i wanna erase all ur pain...
and i wan u to help me forget my pain...
i wan us to start afresh...
just like the piece of paper u promised...
i love u.
and i always do.
give me a chance to forgive u... and a chance for u to forgive me...

God Bless All... Amen!

i am a happy girl...
coz u make me happy...
love love love u!!!

i love u.


God bless All.... Amen!

"shag" is the only one i can use to describe myself now...

i mean... i am shag... coz i'm real tired... god damn tired... like i've mentioned in my sunday post... i went out with the nestle gang till 4am in the morning... and i've not recover from that super high nite and lack of sleep... and i've been coughing like mad for the past few days... i guess i'm getting sick... shyt man...
and i'm getting headaches for the past few days...

jia xi's on leave tmr... and i'm like so tired to do anyting... did challenge test and staph test today... so many dilutions and so many plates... innoculate and spread till me and jia xi drop... i mean... the 2 of us do one whole tray of plates... really can die leh... and that "first lady" sit there and do paper work nia... fish her man... oh... and dunno what's wrong with the first lady today... she usually do her work at her own table... dunno y she today come into the lab the computer to do... and i was freaking using the com at first! she had to take it away from me... bloody hell... and not only tt... me and jia xi usually have fun in the lab... talking crap and doing lots of fun stuff... ok.... not say fun stuff la... but we will always enjoy doing analysis without joyce around... and now tt she came into the lab... every thing went............... quiet... lol... and than jia xi wrote on a piece of C-fold and pass to my BSC... "analysis is boring with her around... cnt talk..." lol... damn funny... oh... and we have a whiteboard in the microlab... and there's this left side of the whiteboard that i assume jia xi left for me to show my drawing talent... so far i've drawn bobdog, keropi, first lady smile, mickey mouse... and i cnt rmb still got wat... haha... and this is between me and jia xi! i tink arh... if my life in nestle is without the nestle gang and especially without jia xi arh... i tink this 6 months will be shit to me... like being paid 650 for some torture... with first lady 24 hrs smiling at me... LOL!
so yea... this is the whiteboard and the left side corner is for me to draw! but hor... cnt leave any drawings up there... joyce come in must faster erase... if not she see le not only i tio... jia xi oso... cnt hai ta... haha....


and this is the trolley full of samples and agar plates that me and jia xi did today... so freaking tired la... anyway... thank her for helping some part of my challenge test! woo hoo! muacks!


cut my hand today... quite deep... my heart's aching and yearning for him again... i dunno... i just keep praying that he's home soon... i keep praying that tings turn back to normal for me and him... coz going on like this is really a torture... i just keep praying that he's back by my side... i dun have the right mind to do my work... having sleepless nites... forcing myself to smile though the smiles are never from deep down within my heart... and when i saw those couple rings tt were on disply ystd... my heart turned sour again... u knew i wanted them for us... but u wldn't make it ours... u knew that the bicycle wasn't wat i've been praying hard for... but it was u, ur love, ur everyting... tt's wat i really wanted... tt's wat i've been praying for...

"在无声之中你拉起了我的手
我怎幺感觉整个黑夜 在震动
耳朵里我听到了 心跳的节奏
星星在闪烁 你会怎么说"


everyday... i've been asking myself...
"jasmine... answer these from the bottom of your heart... think before u speak...
1) will u forget everything about the past and love gong forever?
2) will u love gong from the bottom of your heart if he's back?
3) will u forgive gong for whatever wrong he has done and ask for his forgiveness for whatever wrong you have done?
4) will u never leave gong once again... no matter how tough the future is... till death do the 2 of u part...
5) will u stand by gong at times of happiness and at times of unhappiness...?...."

and every question leads me to only one answer... not becoz i'm all about him coming back to me now... but is... i regretted the tings i've done... and i've learnt to treasure things that are there... i've also learnt to look at every small detail... and appreciate whatever things others have done for me... i thought back throughout this 5 years... whatever hurt that gong left me when he left me previously was actually mended back and i was the one hu took him for granted... but why did i notice all these only now? i hate myself... i seriously do.... for being so stupid and slow... i hate myself...

come home gong... take this pain away from me... please...

i love u.

God Bless All... Amen!

and yeah so gong came to pick me up at 8.20pm instead... he was late for 5 mins lor... smacks...

but yeah... at least he came... and i'm happy enough... haha.. so we went to IMM to walk round and u noe... spent cheap and quality time like how we used to... without spending any money except for food... and was cheap and nice food... me and gong sat at the table and had a happy chat too... talking bout the food in china... being so saltish... like they cook one dich put the whole packet of salt into the ting to cook like tt..

gong... even if u say i made u happy for half a nite... isn't it already an accomplishment for me? i used to not make u happy when we're out... but at least... this is a good start for me.. i made u happy for half a nite... and i noe... the next time... it'll be a day... i'll make u happy for a day... thank you for letting me try...

i love u.

God Bless All.. Amen!

after 1 week and 3 days of torturing myself...
gong's bringing me out finally!

woo hoo!
and the first person i shared this joy with is a wonderful brother, Adrian Seow!

but... my mind's still in a whirl...
at times... my mind tells me that he doesn't love me anymore...
at times... my mind tells me that he still do...
at times... my mind tells me that he's not coming back anymore...
at times... my mind tells me that he's coming back soon... and tmr!
but...
at times... my mind tells me nothing... but plays back all the memories i had with him over and over again... making my heart more and more sour... asking myself... why did i let him go?

all i can do now is wait till christmas...
coz he promised...
he promised he will...

i cnt wait for 8.15 to be here soon... and when 8.15 comes... i wished that time would just stop dere and not move anymore... coz tt's when he's with me... coz tt's when i know tt he's there...

i love u. you noe i always do...

God Bless All... Amen!

why did his back look just like urs?
did u noe my heart ached?
when he talk and his actions... just wasn't my kind of guy...
i looked at him... and i tink of u... u 2 are just worlds apart...

one thought tt the fist could do the talking... thought tt the fist was bigger den any PSLE, 'N' level or 'O' level cert... and still din put in the effort to study... to tink when others teach him...

the other was different... at times... he believes that sitting down to talk helps clears the mess... at times... he believe that whacking the fella was the right ting to do... but he never place the fist in front of the mouth... he noes what he wans... he noes when to play and when to be serious... tt's wat i've fallen for him long ago... tt's the guy i noe... the guy i knew for less den a month... talked less den a week... and got together less den a day... he doesn't put his studies first... but at least.. he knew that he needs to work hard to get the grades... he cries when he din make it... but smiles and accepts reality... he's the one i truly love...

u 2 are just too different... "worlds apart" are the only words to describe...

my heart ached when i see someone's actions similar to urs... ur cheeky look... ur "zhao pai" wink of the eye... ur cute talking way to a small kid (like terri).. ur perfect smile that brightens my day... but tt someone else isn't u... tt's y it makes the heart ache... i wan it from u... i wan ur cheeky look... ur winking of the eye... ur sweet nothings... ur cute ways of talking to kids... the way tt u would always leave a smle on me and terri's face... and even yan's face... and the perfect smile that turns the grey sky blue...

i love u.
and i always do...

God Bless All... Amen!

the promise of the year...
will u really make it?
coz i'm afraid...
afraid things aren't going the way i hoped it will be...

going out soon...
meeting bang later for lunch and a lil chat...
than will head down to town to meet the nestle gang to celebrate joey's birthday...
cool man... i join nestle like 1 and a half month only and i'm being treated so nicely! haha...
dinner... board games... ktv and drinks....
but wait... i promised gong i will not drink... not even a sip... so i'm not touching the drinks... haha....

once again..
the promise of the year...
and remember...
"a fragile heart was broken before... i dun tink i cold endure another pain..."

i love u.

God Bless All.. Amen!

today i learnt a sentence...
a meaningful sentence...

"婚姻的這條路一定要倆個人手牽手 就一定能走到~~~~~~天荒地老~~~~~~ !"

went with dad and mum to chinatown today after work to eat... and mum went there to buy her warm wear for her china trip in november... and i told her over dinner that if she calls home and finds out i'm not home at night... call paula nd keith then... i'll be at their place... like the other end of the world... haha....

so while walking around on the streets of chinatown... i happened to remember the night we spent together squeezing thru smelly and sweaty crowds to pick up last minute cheap jellies and new year gummys... although we went home empty handed... but that not only reminded me that wonderful nite... but also reminded me that my gong promised me the same nites every year... and i wanna make that nite a special nite to him...

so while continute walking... i found something that i've been finding for the past few months... most of my friends hu saw my lappie knows that there's this monkey sticker on it... yea.. to cover all the ugly scratches... but well... i found my tweety bird stickerS! yeah!

but it was freaking 2 dollars and i was like having second thought s on whether should i get it... coz come on.. 2 dollars... the monkeys i got is like only 1.50... ok... i noe i'm like so god damn giam siap that even jia xi cnt tahan me saving biohazard bags and disinfectant powder... but come on... 50 cents can do lots of stuff... in the end... daddy told me to get it.. haha... so i bought it...
Tada!


and after that we continued walking back to OG...
anyway... if u had read my previous post... meiji yanyan chocolate dips seriously cheers me up.... i hadn't been eating proper meals lately due to my poor appetite... so well... mum asked me wat i wanna eat and i told her meiji yanyan chocolate dips... so she bought them for me... not 1, not 2, not 3... but 6! hahaha...


anyway... mummy says i've lost weight... and that for a second... she couldn't recognize me... shyt man... i tink i becoming more like a tweety bird liao...

lol...

gong's making promises to me...
i remember...
and i have evidence....
lol...

"我安静的在思考 并不想被谁打扰
我们曾紧紧拥抱 却又轻易地方掉
那种感觉 很微妙 该怎麽说才好
时间分割成对角 停止你对我的好
瓦解我们的依靠"

i love u.

anyway... yes i understand that christmas is still like 2 months away... but i'm making my list now so that u noe... santa can prepare it earlier... and plan suprises for me... i love suprises... though most of the time it made me cry... haha... so here's my letter to santa...

Dear santa, i've been a good girl this year and i've learnt to control my temper... most of the time... and i've been a wonderful girl, taking up certain responsibilites and have been good to my parents... so here i am santa... to submit this list to u early so that u can plan for my presents... they are not expensive presents... so i hope u can give them all to me. santa, i've not been greedy. long list doesn't mean i'm greedy. but i've kept my chances every year to be used this time. coz there are tings that i've really wanted badly.. and this list is by priority... the last is my most important present....

1) i wan a new bicycle... so that i can go cycling every sunday or weekday nite with babe and jie hao... (if u cant give me tis gift, it's ok... move on to the next)

2) i wan 10 meiji yanyan's chocolate dips... no chocolate, strawberry also can... (if u cant give me tis gift too, it's still ok... move on to the next)

3) i wan my boyfriend, Billy back... (this is one gift i've been praying for everyday... and santa... i really wan this gift... coz he's the only ting tt i wan in this world... nth else...)

thank you santa... remember santa... i've been a good girl... and i'll love u and him more if u make my 3rd wish come true... a wish of 2 girls... me and terri...

Love,
Your Sweet Child... Jasmine

God Bless All... Amen!

"for the 3rd time of this week...
i went to ur house downstairs...
waited for u...
but left for home...
disappointed...."

do u ever noe i was waiting...
waiting for u to come down...
to come down and let me see u once...

weak...
lost everyting...
even the only thing tt u left for me...
it's gone...
gone forever...

i cnt hide it inside anymore..

GONG! I NEED U HERE.... WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!????!!!!!
WHERE ARE YOU!!????!!!!
YOU SAID YOU WOULD STAY BY MY SIDE.... FOREVER....
AND THAT I'M UR PRINCESS AND YOU WILL PROTECT ME....
WHERE ARE U NOW...!!!!!????!!!!

i'm crying badly... really badly...

the day din start well i guess...
i still can hear the words he said in my ears...

cereus selective plates and EB petrifilms for P test were ready to be counted today... and i helped jia xi count her plates! even if at first she dun allow... haha... but i count very carefully k... unlike counting during fermentation...
and the counting was such a bore that we took toilet and coffee breaks in between grumbling to each other that we wanna slp... and i've still having a problem with numbers! "57, 58, 59, 71, 72!" lol... i forgotten wat comes after 59.... was supposed to be 60... but i din noe why 71 came out from my mouth... and while counting... i kept asking jia xi wat number comes after 49... lol... my maths fail...

anyway... i din do much today either... was practically slacking the whole day and tinking about stuffs... and i made a bet with Han ming... i believe in u... that's y i made the bet... and whether do i win this crystal jade meal... seriously depends on u... by christmas... i believe wat u say ystd... i'm feeling so scared now that i made this bet... i dunno if it was the right choice or not... but i believe in u...

brought meiji's yanyan chocolate stick dips to work today... ate during morning break... i guess i'm in love with them... coz the sticks really cheer me up... buy me more yanyan choc sticks anyone...?

desmond quited his job today... he's not coming to work tomoro anymore... the 7 of us... 1 down... 6 more standing... me, han ming, huilin, jia xing, tommy, joey...

my heart still hurts everyday...
y did i take the blame and said that i was the one hu two timed?
i dunno...
but there's this someone standing beside me...
telling me all the time that i had to help him...
coz he's coming back soon...
but this soon seems to take a long time...
it's been near 1 and a half month since he's gone...
and this 1 and a half month has been a torture to me...
i lost 4kg... ate not a proper meal everyday...
tried avoiding lots of stuff...
and had to face all these problems alone...
everyday... i have to face the fact of knowing that he's with another girl...
i have to face the the fear that i'm encountering now...
the fear of loving...
and the fear of being loved...
the fear of hurting...
and the fear of being hurt...

i waited at his house area everyday after work...
hoping that at least one day i can see him...
hoping that one day he notices me again...
walk to me and give me a hug...
but for the past week...
i've been disappointed again and again...
i never know when will i ever get to see him again...
i never know when will i get his love again...

days have been passing real fast...
and the day is coming real soon...
february... the month i fear of now...
ever since u left... fear has been building up..
my life has been in a mess...
i've lost motivation in the things i do...
everyday i pray for ur safety...
pray for u to be happy and well...

i cnt live alone...
when i miss u...
i talk to the dogs...
when i miss u...
i cry alone...
when i miss u...
i cnt tell u...
when i miss u...
i scratch and pinch my hands...
though it hurts...
but at least... it lessens the pain i feel inside...

i'm waiting for the day that u asked me for a chance to forgive u... and at the same time... give me a chance for u to forgive me...

the story of a snake and rope... are u the snake? or the rope...? or are u a snake disguise as a rope... or a rope disguised as a snake... i dunno... but the truth hurts...

i want to ask...
but my heart's telling me...
don't ask... the truth hurts...
he's not the guy u noe anymore...
don't ask... the truth hurts...
he's someone else's boyfren...
don't ask... the truth hurts...
he will flare at u if u ask...
don't ask... the truth hurts...
he noes the promises he made... but he's not back...
don't ask... the truth hurts...
i wanted to ask so badly...
but it just keeps telling me...
don't ask... the truth hurts...

i see u walking into someone else's heart...
i see someone else in ur arms...
i dun feel u near...
i dun see u near...
u seems so distant away from me...

gong... once again... i'm saying... come back... popo cnt wait anymore... it's killing me... i cnt face this alone anymore... y did u have to leave me... at times when i needed u most... i turn to crying everyday... just because u weren't by my side... supporting me in every way...

"那一刻 的梦
那时候 你总支持
我坚强往前走
你却不在左右"

daddy wans me to get u back... scolding me everyday for two timing u and another... pressurizing me to get u back now... when i cant say anyting... i cnt tell them the reason u're gone.. i cnt tell dem tt it wasn't me hu two timed... i lifted this heavy load all on my own... hoping u wld help carry it with me soon...
this pressure i can take no more... this life i can not stand anymore... i wished i was gone... need not wait till february...

wat if one day u cnt find me anymore...
will u miss me?
wat if one day u dun hear my voice anymore...
will u miss me?
wat if one day u dun see me forever anymore...
will u say that the only person u love is KOK POH YOKE JASMINE... and that no one else can take her place in ur heart?
will u ever say that if time could turn back... u would never have let go and made her suffer?
will u ever say that if time could turn back... u would never like another girl...?
will u ever say that if time could turn back... u would never decide to let the girl see ur mum in the first place...?
and will u ever say that if time could turn back, u wished u didn't do anyting with sarah and had picked up ur mum's call when she called u so as to not have her claiming she called me...?

i want a brand new bicycle... so i can cycle and run away from u... so i can run away from reality instead of facing all these alone...

my time's gonna be up soon...
and only u can extend this time...

off for some alcohol...

i love u.


"冷风过境　
吹乱心情
露出了伤心　
我有　多么伤
多么痛 你不会相信　
冷风过境　
吹动记忆
心无法痊愈　
等待　多么苦
多么难 你忘了约定"　

P test today... and it din seem tt i was tt busy like wat jia xi had told me weeks ago...

so well... i went to work at around 8.05? ya... and helped jia xi melt some agar and stuff for her p test today... she so kan jiong... lol... so after awhile... i was di siaoing her instead.. than JOYCE OEN had to come into the lab and ask me go to my table scared i disturb dem... haha... so i continued slacking at my table till around 11.40 when desmond came in and disturb the quietness of the fish tank(office)... he noob in microsoft excel la... talk to him also wan vomit! haha...

so lunch time... me, han ming, tommy, jia xing, hui lin, desmond and warren went out to eat... steph din go along coz she busy... so we were talking crap while eating... omg... and we seemed to bond better day by day... after we finished eating... joey came to join us...! this group of people really fun to play with sia...

after lunch went back to the lab and jia xi finish her P test liao... so it's time for me to do my challenge test... in the end.. i slacked till around 1.30 when everyone left for info meeting than i start doing... coz can play music in the lab... and music motivates me! jia xi noes the power of music on me! haha... i can work fast with music ok... haha...

so did the staphaureus challenge test first coz it's the easiest to do... only need one diluent only... and in total got 24 plates... so i finished that up in like less den half hour... but the generic sauce challenge test got like 6 samples x 6 plates x 2sets... and 2 control sets... so it's like 84 plates... and the dilution is like 3,4,5...
must dilute so much... and tink of how much to put and from which dilution... lol...

in the end went to slack again at 3pm... with the other 6 remaining people in the whole R&D sector... the 2 NTU guys i dunno their name anyway... and there was tommy, han ming, jia xing and huilin... den like around 3.30... we heard voices coming from the stairs and we ran back to our workplace... lol... like we really eat snake like tt.. but it was break time lor... den i went back and finished up my remaining 12 samples... and pack... swab the lab... refill the stuff... jia xi came back see me so guai... plus my mark liao... haha... everyday minus my mark de... now can plus back liao... haha....

started work with a heavy heart... worrying lots of stuff... but ended work with a sligthly lighter heart... coz of the people in the research centre... like han ming, huilin, jia xing, jia xi, desmond, tommy, joey... mei qi... i wished tt this friendship and fun tt we had... the times we had can really last longer den my attachment period... haha...

he called me today...
i finally hear the guy tt i missed...
he sounded like the one i lost...
and i remembered every single word he said...
all i wanted to tell him was...
"i'm willing to forgive u for everyting tt happened... all u have to do is to love me once again..."
whatever he said to me will always be kept in my heart...
and i noe he will mean everyting he said...
to me...
and to terri...

i love u.

my heart seems to hurt again...
that guy's having problems at home coz of his grandma...
his grandma passing soon...
and i'm troubled...
troubled by my fear...
troubled with love...

i've waited long for ur call...
and today u called me again...
i missed u...
i miss u really badly...
but it seems that we're playing hide and seek...
u hide i seek...
i hide u seek...
when will this game end...
if u missed me...
if u wanna hear my voice...
y dun u come and see me...
y dun u come back to me...
i turn away from the guy...
turn away from andy...
coz i din wan them to see me cry...

andy said one thing today..
i was touched...
"now.. i wun let anyone hurt my jie jie... if not i wallop the person!"
thank u andy... thank u didi...

dad went to take gong's jacket to wash... i got so fucking angry... i'm not ready to live alone without the jacket... not ready to live alone without the smell... i'm seriously not ready to live alone...

"dear dear... i'm sorry... things just happen too fast... and i'm still not sure if u loved me... i'm not ready... and so are u... u have things bothering u abt ur grandma... than face tt first... i dun feel u near me... even if u claim u love me... i feel andy nearer to me instead.. not u... i'm sorry dear dear... that's all i can say... from the btm of my heart to u..."

i tried...
i put in effort to try...
to try to love someone else...
but it seems that how much i tried...
how much i force myself...
i cnt seem to love u lesser...

i'm not ready...
not prepared for another relationship...
not prepared for a new guy...
y am i forcing myself then?
was it just because i wanted to forget u?

the 41st day of my lonely road...
i assured terri...
i will never bring any other guy home other den copycat gor gor...
i dunno how am i gonna do tt...
but i hope he work with me to make tt happen...

i cnt love u lesser each day...
i love u.

"sorry dear dear... i'm not ready..."

God Bless All... Amen.

i seriously dunno wat's happening to me...
now that someone new has started to enter my life...
y is my heart still aching and at the same time...
it feels so scared... so afraid...

i'm so afraid i'll hurt this guy...
i'm so afraid that history will repeat itself...
ystd... i could tell myself that "great... it's something new... i should move on..."
but why is it that one night's sleep can change my tinking again?
back to how it was before i met him?

y wasn't the guy billy?
if it was billy... will i feel the same way still?
will i still be scared of hurting him or being hurt again?
maybe i'm not ready at all...
not ready for a new guy...
not ready for a new relationship...
not ready for a new beginning...

but now that i've started with him...
y is it so hard for me to tell him wat's on my mind... wat's in my heart...
was i afraid that tings will go back to square 1 again?
i noe that he understands...
i noe that he noe hu's still in my heart...
yes... i asked him to give me some time...
but how long will i take?
how long will i ever take to forget billy?
when the previous time i had wei li... i couldn't even stop tinking and loving billy...
y is my heart aching all of a sudden again...
can anyone please tell me y...
am i having a phobia to relationships now...?
am i starting to hide to myself and keep everyting to myself...?

now... i can say that if billy comes back... and that if i'm with another guy... billy will have to wait till me and him is over...
but wat if...
when the day really comes? will i still stick with this stand... or will my heart turn back to him? hurting this guy... hurting someone innocent... walking back into billy's heart... opening my heart back to billy... it's not easy to let go... i'm an eagle... i've not let go... and never will...

i'm lost...
lost in a world of fear...
a fear i never used to encounter...
the fear of finding love and being loved...
the fear of losing my loved one...
the fear of having someone beside me...
and the fear of being alone...
the fear of not being loved once i am emotionally invested...

God... help me... this is the time where i can turn to no one except u... this is the time... i have to choose for myself... the path i am to take... to wait? to move on and wait at the same time? or to move on forever...? God... give me a sign... help me to choose a path... a path that have no reason for me to regret... just like i've never regretted loving billy in my life...

God Bless All... Amen.

finally... after 40 days...
i started someting new...
the 5th most important person stepped into my life...
but still... no one can replace the first person...

this guy isn't a rebound...
he's totally different from u..

i love u...
and i'll love this guy...
one day...
i'll say...
i used to love billy...
and i'm still waiting for him...
but he forced me to love someone else...
just like he claim i force him to love another...

this is one promise i am very sure i can keep...
and that is...
that is urs... and will always be urs... if one day u really come back...

even if during sabah...
i dun deny that there was this lil feelings for warren...
but i can stand up to say loud and clear...
"the love i have for u... was never shared among anyone... and that wat i have for warren wasn't love..."

for this 5 years... no matter how many guys treated me well and no matter how many guys i see and how many guys i had slight feelings for coz of the way they treated me... my love for u have never change...

i made an effort... i brought my heart and sincerity to her... tings din went out right... but i'm not giving up...

"谁能给我 一支神奇的锁
轻轻一开 就让寂寞飞走
好希望 有人
教我怎么忘记伤痛
触碰 以为遥远的梦
想听你说 要紧握着执着
要带着我 那一年的悸动
那一刻 的梦
那时候 你总支持我
坚强往前走 你却不在左右"

God Bless u... Amen!

i'm not home...

drank...
drunk...
cried...
hugged...
peck on the forehead...
bitten by him...
stomach's aching real badly...
and my eyes are closing...

shall go lie on the couch...
and let me dream of what happened
and wat he did today again...

those were a dream to me...
a seriously sweet dream...

i love u...
but i'll be gone...
take me home...

i've waited...
i've waited for a night...
but still...
there was no response for the book...

did the book really mean nothing to u?
or was i nothing to u?
i feel so terrible...
i cnt breathe...
all because of u...
i've done my very best...
i've put in all my effort...
y din u se...
y din u feel my care...
y do u only see the tings that have to be done openly to tink that i care or not...
y dun u ever see the small little things that i do...
y...
y is it that u believe her more den me...
y is it that u seem to be drifting further away from me...
y is it that it's not that distance make the heart fonder...
was it tt u din love me at all...
y do i always have to be the one kept waiting...
y is it that i dun appear to be hurt but inside my heart it's hurting like mad!
y is it that i have to hide all these unhappiness to myself...

what am i going to tell terri when i see her...
tell her that copycat gor gor is not free?
tell her that copycat gor gor is not coming to see her anymore?
tell her that copycat gor gor dun like her aldy to get her to forget copycat gor gor forever?
tell her that copycat gor gor is out with another girl and is too busy for her?
tell her that copycat gor gor and jie jie not together anymroe so copycat gor gor cnt come see her anymore?
i cnt do tt...
i cnt hurt a lil kid's heart...
i cnt hurt terri's heart...
i'm sorry...

i've said it...
i've made my feelings known...
y is it that my heart still feels pain?

daddy encourage me...
gave me his support...
mummy spoke with her same tone...
tings sound alrite...
but y...
y is my heart still aching?
shouldn't it feel alrite now?

i was told...
to go back and look for what i have always wanted...
to follow my heart...
and remember that...
in this world...
everything else you can let other people take...
only love...
if you don't want other people to take it from you...
than don't...
爱情不能让。。。 也让不了。。。

"不该再用我的爱困住你。。。
不该让你眼中有泪滴。。。"

Jasmine
19
Tanglin Alumni
Ngee Ann.CBE year 3
Taken

TSC
TSCA
Daphne
Da Ming
Sok Hua
Yingx
Yunli
Jon Ang
Mark
Shikin
Adrian
Samuel
Soon teck
Hairil
Yong Jun
stephanie
Toot
huiting
Camemberu food blog


July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
January 2009
March 2009

i know you're lookin'!